Unconceived~

I’ve posted on here several times about my own struggles with infertility.  At 14 years old I had my first pap smear, sonogram, and infertility panel run.  Not because I was trying to get pregnant, but to explain why I was having so many female issues at such a young age.  It was stressful, painful, scary, and in the end I walked away with a broken heart that would turn to the bitterest bile and leave me empty, hurting, angry, and alone.

In the past twenty years I’ve rejoiced (sometimes half-heartedly) with countless pregnant friends.  And I’ve also cried thousands of crocodile tears with others who’ve felt the horrible sting of miscarriage and loss.  For those who’ve never had a problem with infertility, the heartache is beyond your comprehension.  Often, careless words spoken in passing, or even in jest, are enough to shatter every frail hope for normalcy.  For those of you who know all too well the bottomless pit of depression and despair every negative pregnancy test can fling you into, please know that I’m here for you.

Dealing with infertility is a constant cycle of grief.  Every month that passes without  missing a period is another month you grieve the death of your hopes and dreams.  Each negative pregnancy test represents thousands of prayers cried out in the darkest nights – prayers that seem to return void.  Every new birth reinforces the self-loathing and insecurity that barrenness induces…….and the cycle continues.

For the past several months I’ve been praying about my own emotional healing, and it seems that God has a much bigger plan for my recovery  journey than even I imagined.  He’s been prodding me along the path of ministry.  I’ve tossed and turned at night thinking and praying about this.  I’ve argued and reasoned with God over his leading.  And I’ve begged him to release me from this burden – the burden to help others see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter where you are on the path.  Ideas have been flooding my every waking thought and I can’t seem to get away from the truth that I find around every corner – this is my destiny, my calling, my purpose.  I am going to be presenting this ministry idea to the elders of our church soon, and I made a video to help better explain the magnitude of this issue.  Men sometimes fail to see the sensitivity of an issue like this – or at least they find it easier to ignore.  This is truly a labor of love and one that I feel won’t be over for quite some time.  Pray for me, and pray for all those who are affected by infertility – “we” are more than you know.

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