17 Confessions

Don’t know why, but I find myself compelled today to list out for you a number of things that have been weighing on my mind lately. For me, writing is like therapy, only it costs less. These confessions are very random. They probably won’t make sense. Some of them might even gross you out a bit. That’s okay though. That’s what being real is all about.

1. I am a major procrastinator. And then there are other times when I can’t seem to find enough hours in my day to do all the things I want to accomplish. Currently I’m procrastinating – I have so much homework to do…but I’m not interested.

2. I’m a jealous housewife. I’m jealous of other people’s houses. I want a smaller one. And when I live in a smaller one, I want a bigger one. Its really a quandary I live in.

3. My dogs need baths…BADLY! Our oldest dog, Dream, is 12 going on 327. She has lost almost all sense of bladder control. She wets herself and whatever she’s laying on at least a dozen times a day. She’s old.

4. I’m not ready for summer to be over. I don’t like cold weather.

5. I love fall, but after that inevitably comes winter. I really, really, really dislike winter. It’s gray and dreary, and I have to wear lots of clothes in the winter and it makes me feel like the abominable snowman.

6. I’m a shopper. I love shopping of all kinds. Clothes, bags, shoes, hats, furniture, bedding, groceries, flea markets, you name it, I like it. I like to spend money when I’m shopping – that’s why my beloved doesn’t like to go shopping with me. He’s a non-shopper.

7. I pick on my toe nails. I always have. Its a bad habit.

8. I love to smell my dogs feet and ears. They stink, but I think they smell like corn chips. Its addictive for me. My dogs hate that I do this to them.

9. I think Vitamin C is a gimmick. I do not believe that people who take tons and tons of it are any healthier than the rest of us. However, when I was sick last week, for some reason I decided to take some of it because it was in the cabinet and I was desperate. I’m such a hypocrite.

10. I don’t like Beth Moore. No, you don’t understand….I really, really, really, really, really, really, really don’t like Beth Moore. I’m leading this year’s ladies retreat at church, and the director of our women’s ministry came to me and asked me if we could do a Beth Moore simulcast during the retreat. Of course I smiled and enthusiastically agreed to it. Not because I’m excited about Beth Moore, (did I mention that I really don’t like her?) but because I’m a “yes man” when it comes to things like this. God has an annoying sense of humor sometimes.

11. I love Christmas. I love to decorate for Christmas. If my husband would let me, I’d have Christmas decorations up thirteen months of the year! This year I plan to put up our little 4′ table top Christmas tree. Don’t laugh. I don’t have anything else. We (translation: Sam) gave it all away before we moved here two years ago (alright, it’s almost three years ago now). My husband won’t let me near the Christmas store. I think he believes that if we don’t go in there I will never acquire as much Christmas decor as I had before and he won’t have to help me put it up or take it down every year. Boy is he in for a shock sometime soon – I’m experiencing Christmas decoration withdrawal………….that’s all I’m going to say at this time.

12. I am 34 and have 5 grandchildren. Yes, my husband is from Kentucky, and no we’re not related.

13. I have a dog who eats poop. She’s my favorite. Not because she eats poop, but because her feet smell the most like corn chips. Her breath on the other hand is a whole separate issue!

14. I love jewelry. When we were in Kansas a few weeks ago we visited the jewelry store in our old hometown. My mom worked there like 30 years ago and she and the owners have all stayed good friends. Every time we get back to Kansas we stop in and say hello. They clean and repair all her rings. She has some lovely rings. Anyway, when we were in there I fell in love with several originals. I had to call my therapist (translation: Sam) to help me stay strong, because my American Express was trying to escape from its dungeon and commit another crime!

15. I’m terrible at friendships. I’m one of these people that either tries too hard to be friends with someone or I don’t try at all. I’m so weird. I chase people off because I either come across as too intense or a snob. What’s the deal? Was I dropped on my head as a baby? Don’t answer that.

16. Speaking of babies, I still want one. Every pregnant woman I meet I want to walk up to them, introduce myself, and ask to buy their child. I don’t though because I’d probably get a kid who was as bad as I was. When I was a baby I ate my diapers. Full, empty, used, new, it didn’t matter – I just wanted them off and I knew that if I took it off it would just be put back on. I figured if it “disappeared” my parents would take the hint and just leave me naked. My bowels have never recovered. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, laugh it up – don’t think I can’t hear you.

17. I ramble on, or so I’ve been told. I know you’d never have guessed that about me, because everything I have to say on here is always poignant, pertinent, relevant, and interesting. I’m naturally a very shy person and don’t usually even speak. At least not when I’m around total strangers. My parents taught me well – they always said don’t speak to strangers, and so I don’t. That might have been the only life lesson my parents taught me that really ever stuck with me though. I’d have to give it some thought and get back to you…. My therapist (translation: Sam) tells me the first step toward recovery is denial – I think I’m there! I think………….

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