Which is what my butt says every time it meets up with my jeans!
For those of you who don’t appreciate a good Cohen brother’s movie, the title of this little post comes from “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”. If you haven’t seen it, you really should.
This weekend, Sam and I spent some time carefully combed through all (3) of your suggestions from Friday’s Bacon post and we spent a few hours researching a couple of diet plans his doctor recommended – even making a trip to the library to check out a new cookbook. And after considering all the options we’ve decided to take his doctor’s recommendation and try out the South Beach diet.
In truth, I’m scared. To you, it probably sounds silly to hear a grown woman admit to being scared of a diet, but let me tell you why. Phase 1 is two weeks long. Besides the fact that I have absolutely zero will power and most of the time within the first few hours of starting any diet I’m plotting ways in which to cheat; these first two weeks are a complete carb, sugar, and caffeine detox. Translation: that means lots of lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, and CRABBINESS!!! But I can do it, right?! I mean, I quit smoking cold turkey. I quit crankin’ cold turkey. I quit drinking Wild Turkey. How hard can it be, right? Right????? RIGHT???????
So, in preparation for the Apocalypse (as Sam put it), Saturday morning we went though the pantry. And darn it, if I didn’t forget to take a before and after photo for your amusement. Truly the closet was packed to the gills – for those of you who have seen my pantry, you know exactly what I’m talking about – I’m not exaggerating, am I?! We have a charity food pantry at our church, so we packed up 5 huge paper grocery sacks full of canned goods, sugar, dried fruits, chips, cereals, rice, pasta, mac-n-cheese, canned fruits, baking supplies, snacks, jellies, jams, chutneys, chocolates, pudding mixes, cookies, crackers, pizza kits, fruit juices, kool-aid, potatoes, and coffee…you name it and I bet it was in there. Then, we bagged up another sack of ethnic foods for some of our friends – it wasn’t as exciting as all the donation sacks but there were some things I just couldn’t bring myself to throw away – yummy things like a brand new unopened jar of Branston Pickle, a package of Foxx’s Golden Crunch Creames, some Yorkshire pudding mix, and a few other odds and ends. Things that cost far too much at Harry’s to just toss in the bin. After the pantry we tackled the spice cupboard. There were loads of spices and marinades that are chock full of sugar and other tasty substances we can no longer eat – so all of those things are going to be making a trip out to Nebraska to our son, who loves to cook with ’em. We didn’t make it to the fridge and freezer yet, but I’m sure there will be plenty of things that have to go there as well. For the moment, I’m avoiding that area of the house. I’m liable to eat the entire lot instead of tossing it. On the up side, my pantry now has so much room in it that I could park a truck in there. On the down side, just looking at it makes me want to cry over my losses.
But it’s time for us to face the facts, as they are largely undisputed. We’re both obese…our doctor says morbidly obese…I don’t like her very much! We both have super high blood pressure. We both have high cholesterol. We can’t donate blood, but we could donate gravy! We both have a variety of aches and pains that would almost completely disappear if we each dropped a hundred (plus) pounds. Gardening and yard work would become so much easier and more enjoyable. We could walk our dogs without the use of motorized bikes! We could board an airplane and actually greet the flight attendant with something other than, “I’ll need the seat belt extender when you have a minute.” And our bed would thank us too.
I want to let you in on a little secret. We’ve had to purchase 5 beds in the past 12 years – and those were just for US. We could make a fortune if we’d only been smart and bought into the bed market. I thought beds were supposed to have a 15 or 20 year shelf life….not ours. They barely make it three years before they’re so full of craters it becomes nearly impossible to get a good night’s sleep. And it’s not like we are buying the bargain basement beds. We’ve had the tempurpedic bed, the Sealy Posturpedic bed, the bed that has half memory foam and half traditional springs, and we bought a bed with the fattest pillow top you can buy, and within a year it looked like a pancake. Our current bed is ready to be junked – it’s just 3 years old. Don’t think I can’t hear you laughing out there. I know, it seems hard to imagine, but let me assure you that I’m not exaggerating here. Stop visualizing it, please.
So today is the first day of our new eating life. I just ate breakfast an hour ago. A two egg omelet with onions, a piece of lunch meat turkey, and a slice of fat free American cheese on it. And a big glass of V-8 juice. Not bad…lets see how long it sticks with me………….